The loss of a loved one invariably marks a challenging period in a person’s life, filled with sorrow, reflection, and adjustment. However, the ways in which friends, family and acquaintances respond to such loss – particularly through verbal condolences – can hold significant repercussions for the grieving process, often more than we realise. This issue, while not new, has been gaining traction across online platforms, with many individuals sharing their experiences and professionals providing insight into the psychology behind it.
Typically, words of condolence aim to reassure and offer comfort to those experiencing grief, but the nature of these remarks can inadvertently have the opposite effect, experts suggest. This discrepancy lies in a fundamental misunderstanding about the purpose of condolences, where most believe it to be about making those grieving feel better, while in truth, it is about acknowledging their pain and suffering.
Psychiatrists and grief counsellors concur that the words we use after a death are vitally important in shaping a bereaved individual’s grieving process. “Mourning is a unique and highly personal journey, and the language we use can either facilitate or hamper it,” explains Dr. Sarah Ziegler, a clinical psychologist specialising in grief counselling. “While it might seem trivial, the difference between ‘He’s in a better place now’ and ‘I can only imagine how much you must miss him’ is substantial,” adds Ziegler.
Such assertions build upon a growing body of research examining the role of language in the grieving process. A 2020 study published in ‘Death Studies’ revealed that individuals who consistently received acknowledgements of their pain, rather than attempts at consolation, demonstrated healthier coping mechanisms and lower rates of protracted grief disorder (PGD).
Recently, social media platforms have become a forum for grieving individuals to discuss their experiences with both helpful and hurtful condolences. Posts tagged #GrievingProcess on Instagram reveal a vast collection of personal testimonies, where many have highlighted the importance of feeling heard and understood through empathetic responses.
The power of using the right words was also underscored by numerous global personalities on their personal Twitter handles, leading to further engagement on the issue. For example, renowned author, Elizabeth Gilbert, recently tweeted, “When grieving, what we truly need is not for someone to make us feel better, but for someone to be with us in our pain. Choose your words carefully.”
To this end, several online communities like TalkDeath, Modern Loss, and Grief In Common have emerged, offering support and education to those grappling with bereavement. These platforms also provide advice on how to responsively communicate with individuals mourning a loss. A common guideline suggested is to avoid clichéd phrases that may inadvertently trivialise the pain or loss. Instead, they advocate for empathy and acknowledgement of the individual’s emotional struggle.
While words cannot remedy the searing pain accompanying the loss of a loved one, they can significantly influence the trajectory of grieving. To support, rather than unintentionally obstruct, this process, everyone in the bereaved’s circle should be mindful of the language used. Professionals recommend the following: acknowledge their pain, avoid clichés that might diminish their struggle, lend a listening ear, and provide comforting silence when words are unattainable.
The conversation around the language of condolences and its impact on grieving has never been more pertinent. With a rising discourse on this subject, it is evident that what we say after a death truly does matter more than we realise, having the potential to both aid and impede the healing process. Thus, in grief communication, choosing the right words is much more than simple politeness – it’s an essential part of supporting those in sorrow.
Original Source: https://www.personneltoday.com/hr/why-what-we-say-after-a-death-matters/
